


The Elephant in the Room

by Devereauxs_Disease, TheGoldenStag, WrathoftheStag (Mwuahna)



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crack, Domestic Fluff, Hannibal Loves Will, Idiots in Love, M/M, Will Loves Hannibal, did we mention the new pet?, the crackiest crack that ever cracked, the lecter-grahams acquire a new pet, these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6752689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/pseuds/Devereauxs_Disease, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoldenStag/pseuds/TheGoldenStag, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mwuahna/pseuds/WrathoftheStag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A new stray follows Hannibal home, but it's not one you'd think it would be.  Somehow, Will doesn't warm up to it as quickly as Hannibal does.  Crack at its crackiest -- just for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Elephant in the Room

**Author's Note:**

> Written by DD and Photoshopped within an inch of its life by WotS.

Will stood there, not quite sure what to make of the situation. Was he hallucinating? He pinched himself in a most clichéd fashion and nothing had changed. He looked at Hannibal and merely gestured waiting for an explanation.

"It seems to have taken a liking to me when I was in the market." 

"I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me it followed you home?"

There they both stared at the baby elephant that stood in their yard, grasping at the dewy grass with its trunk.

"Well, it seems that it is very similar to when one of your mongrels follows you home, Will.” The elephant flapped its ears as Hannibal continued, “Would you have me turn it away? What if poachers were to find it? Do you want that on your head?"

"You did this on purpose,” Will said, “I know you did. You have some demented fantasy about crossing the Alps and you went and found an elephant." 

"That is outlandish. We're nowhere near the Alps." 

"So, I'm never going to see you astride this thing riding majestically?" 

"Elephants are excellent forms of transportation," Hannibal said quite earnestly, “But if you insist on unfairly turning this beautiful creature away, then I suppose we shall."

The elephant curled its trunk around Will's wrist and seemed to...sigh. Will looked at its soulful eyes and said, "Oh, Jesus Christ.” Hannibal offered Will his ‘smug little shit smile,’ the doctor knew when he had won.

“You're taking care of this thing. Okay? I'm not picking up elephant shit or feeding it...hay? What the hell do elephants eat?" 

"I will make the proper food for it." 

Will ran a hand over the creature's trunk, marveling at the musculature. "It can stay, but if it sits on one of the dogs, I'll take its tusks myself."

"A bit extreme, but I'll allow it," Hannibal said as he stroked the elephant’s head.

Will nodded. "It works out for both of us. I can finally get rid of those ugly fucking tusks over the fireplace." 

"Will-" 

"Nope, that could be Dumbo here's cousin, no tusks except the ones attached to our newest family member." 

Hannibal sighed, "I concede. No tusks. But we will not call such a noble creature Dumbo." Will rolled his eyes.

"So, what should we call him?" Will asked.

"Lord Farns-" 

"Yeah, I'm going to stop you there, Fussy Pants. Two syllables at most."

"Fussy pants, that actually gives me an idea..." 

"I'm afraid to ask. So, he's an elephant -- clearly -- let's keep it simple. What about Babar? It's a classic, which I'm sure you can appreciate."

"I would prefer something more..." Hannibal said.

"Lyrical? Pretentious? Yeah, I know. But we're going with Babar." The elephant smacked his head into Will's side "See? He likes it." 

Hannibal looked at the elephant as if betrayed. "Fine. Should you fashion it a collar, Will?" 

"My love, we've been here four years and I've yet to see anyone else walking an elephant in the morning. I'm pretty sure everyone will know whose elephant is in their petunias."

**+++**

"We need to talk." Will had the pinched look of a man with a pounding headache.

"About?" Hannibal sipped his tea, eyes traveling back to the paper. 

"What's on Babar?" 

"The spats? I thought they may be a bit too much, but without them the suit just looks silly." Another sip of tea.

"HOW...No...WHY..." Will waved his hand frantically. "WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET THAT MUCH PLAID?"

"The internet." Hannibal sighed and put his paper down, realizing this could take some time. He continued, "What did you think I was sewing upstairs?"

"WHO KNOWS? I thought maybe the candlesticks needed covers or you were making a new, incredibly you, sail for the boat. WHO KNOWS WITH YOU?"

"Well, I was merely sprucing up our pachyderm,” Hannibal said.

"Chilton was right. You're fucking animal crackers, you know that? Take the goddamn suit off of the elephant."

"Why? You never object when I make outfits for the animals," Hannibal pointed to the scruffy terrier by Will's ankle, currently sporting a blue check sweater. "Alistair loves his sweater!"

"We are a gay serial killer couple on the run. It was a bad enough idea to let you keep the fucking elephant. NOW YOU PUT IT IN A PLAID SUIT? WHY NOT JUST SEND JACK OUR HOME ADDRESS? IT WOULD BE EASIER AND REQUIRE LESS SEWING!"

"I can see that the plaid was too much, forgive me. I'll remove it now." Hannibal rose gracefully and walked to their yard, pausing to steal a kiss from a still-bewildered Will. 

At the door he paused. "Don't worry yourself, Will, I'm sure Babar will be much more comfortable in the tweed."

"Very funny...You are kidding right? HANNIBAL?"

**+++**

"Will, this is clearly an example of favoritism." Hannibal was sitting primly on the bed, covers tucked in around his waist.

"It's fucking physics, Hannibal. That thing cannot sleep on the bed with us." There was a crash as a curious trunk knocked a picture frame off of Hannibal's nightstand. The doctor retrieved the frame and cooed a few words of Lithuanian to the beast, fondly patting it. Goddamn, Will needed a drink.

"Babar. His name is Babar, which you chose, may I remind you." Hannibal sniffed dismissively. 

Will experienced a momentary pang of relief that he had talked Hannibal out of "Lord Farnsworth Barnes," which was the dumbest name he'd ever heard, even by Hannibal's standards.

"You can name him Helium for all I care, he's still too heavy for the bed."

"I cannot help but note that the moment I show affection for an animal it is derided and treated like a second-class citizen in this house, while your horde of mongrels lies on the bed whenever they please," Hannibal pouted.

"All five of the boys weigh less than Babar."

"Well, since you're so partial to the dogs, I suppose you won't mind if I give them more space." With that Hannibal stood in one graceful move and walked toward the door. 

"Come along, Babar, we shall find other accommodations for tonight."

The damn elephant trailed after Hannibal, flicking its ears lazily with each step.

"Goddamn it, would you stop," Will chased after the cannibal. He hated indulging these snits, but he was afraid his gorgeous doctor would end up crushed under a large land-mammal. "Look, he's not getting on the bed, but in fairness, the boys will get off the bed too, OK?"

"You hate him, don't you?" Hannibal didn't meet Will's eyes, instead he wove his hand around Babar's trunk, petting affectionately.

"I hated you at first, look how that turned out." Hannibal snarled slightly, a threat with no bite behind it anymore. Will sighed. "I'll do the pictures."

Hannibal's head popped up.

"What?"

"You heard me, I'll do the goddamn pictures with Babar."

"Wearing the loincloth?"

Will sighed again.

"If you get me drunk enough."

Hannibal smiled.

"That sounds quite fair." He pressed a lingering kiss into the empath's mouth. "Allow me to get the dogs out of the room, and we can go to bed."

"I just got played, didn't I?" Will asked.

"Darling boy, I promise I'll make sleeping solely with me worth the sacrifice."

Will grinned, removing his pajama bottoms as Hannibal shooed the four-legged menagerie out of the room.

**+++**

When the envelope with the proofs arrived three weeks later, Hannibal all but knocked Will out of the way to dash to his study and fetch his reading glasses. Taking the letter opener, he gingerly sliced the envelope open and pulled out the contact sheets. 

“Look at you. You’re like a goddamn kid in a candy store. Can I see?” Will asked, trying to get a look.

Hannibal was all heart eyes and with fingers enlaced, hands by his face as he said, "This is one of the most magnificent things I have ever seen."

Will peeked over Hannibal’s shoulder and in spite of himself smiled. He would have said, “I’m glad we have Babar,” but Will knew he’d never hear the end of it from Hannibal. An elephant, after all, never forgets.

**+++**

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [TheyArePackHunters](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TheyArePackHunters/pseuds/TheyArePackHunters) who set the ball rolling on this.


End file.
